I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
