remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i don't like sucking hair
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
