Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
