someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
