He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
