The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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