I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
