Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
