Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
