This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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