It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
