3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
