I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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