i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
