Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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