The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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