I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
