Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
