i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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