ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
God, you're like boner-b-gone
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
