Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
