her vagine was all disorganized.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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