so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
