he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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