I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
