Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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