Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There r osticjed everywhere
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
