it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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