Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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