Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
