i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
