thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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