i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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