On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
