God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
