this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I still have a little drunk in my system
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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