Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
