never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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