a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
