Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
