I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
