Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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