I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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