I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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