I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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