thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
