You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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