The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
