My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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