Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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