my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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