I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
