Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
