my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this boner is exhausting
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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