My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
