Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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