I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
