Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize