My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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