my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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