He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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